Friday, May 11, 2007

What to do in a horror movie

If you should ever find yourself in a horror movie, these are a few rules to follow that will help ensure your survival. Notice how I said "help ensure." If you are a character in a horror movie who is destined to die, like a promiscuous teenager or a lonely old lady, there's nothing you can do to stop it. Sorry.

1. Don't ever think that it's safe. It's most likely very unsafe.

2. Never find the perfect house. The perfect house is haunted. Always.

3. If you're driving on the freeway, don't take any "short-cuts," no matter what the guy at the gas station said. Also, don't pick up any hitchhikers.

4. If there's a little kid telling you what to do, listen! The kid always knows.

5. That person limping toward you with a crazed look in their eyes and blood dripping down their chin does not want medical attention. They want to eat your brain. Run.

6. If you find yourself in a small town that has a secret, leave immediately.

7. To find out how to avoid disaster, ask the town outcast/ geeky loner. The charismatic cop/ military officer has no idea what he's talking about.

8. Abandoned warehouses/ hospitals/ museums/ schools/ libraries/ mansions/ cabins in the woods/ military bases/ hotels/ churches are abandoned for a reason. You don't want to find out what that reason is.

9. If you are the comic relief/ protagonist's best friend, you will die. There's no avoiding it. You have a slightly better chance of survival if you are the protagonist's love interest (as long as you never say, "I'll be right back"), but don't count on it.

10. Dancing only scares zombies away in Michael Jackson videos. If you are in a Michael Jackson video, dance your heart out. If not, you'd better have a baseball bat. Hit the zombies in the head with it.

I have to admit, I had help coming up with these. My brother Keith, whose blog I have linked, aided me in their creation. Numbers 9 and 10 are totally my own, though. Also, I don't watch a lot of horror movies, mostly because there are so many stupid ones out there and you can never tell which few will be good, so this list may be incomplete. It is open for suggestions.